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If I Die Before I Wake…

“A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.”Job 14:5 (NIV)

I have a degree in Psychology and as a result, I love reading books about what makes people tic.  My first career was in social work and for the past eight years, I’ve typed countless psychiatric notes, which will probably always be a first love of sorts for me.  I’m reading a book right now about a woman accused and ultimately convicted of murdering her boyfriend.  When I was drifting off to sleep last night, I started thinking what would happen if I didn’t wake up in the morning, but instead died in my sleep.  How many regrets would I have as a result?  Would I have lived my life in a way that my family, friends, and others knew how special they were to me?  Would I have made the impact on Earth that God asked me too or did I waste my time?

My first thoughts went to my children.  If that night was indeed my last, I would’ve spent much more time rocking our four-year-old before putting him to bed.  I also would’ve made sure to pray with our older two, taking extra time to look in their eyes and let them know just how important to me they were.  I would’ve either cuddled extra close with my husband, or maybe to be nice, given him more space to stretch out and just reached out my hand to hold his.  I wouldn’t have given one thought about my work (I’m more than replaceable there) and I would’ve been peaceful that I did my best to keep our bills and records managed and up-to-date so that aspect of life was fairly easy for my husband to take over.

My mind wandered to friends whom I love dearly but maybe haven’t shown enough by not introducing them to a Father who wants to be first in their life.  I thought about some regrets I have.  Conversations to be had which will be difficult so I’ve been putting them off.  Apologies for hurts I’ve caused.  Regrets of memories I haven’t made or chose not to be part of for stupid reasons.

Odds are I’m going to live a long, healthy life.  I don’t foresee not waking up each and every morning for a while.  However, only God knows exactly how long I have left and as a result, I want to make sure I’m living my life as intentional as possible.  I don’t want regrets left when I leave this world.  I want Bill to know he was an incredible husband and father and how blessed I was to call him my best friend.  I want my children to know how loved they were and to have so many great memories of our family with me actively involved.  I want to make sure I have those difficult conversations in God’s time, not chickening out because they could be uncomfortable.  I want to make sure every day I lived was one that pleased my Father.  And the best time for me to start is today.

And, maybe, the next book I think about reading should be a romance.

©2014 Cheri Swalwell

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