The Me I Used to Be

“When this world drives you to your knees, You think you’re never gonna get back, To the you that used to be…” Danny Gokey (Tell Your Heart to Beat Again)


I heard this song on the radio recently and fell in love with it.  If you haven’t heard it yet, I would encourage you to download it and add it to your playlist because the words are so powerful.


However, when I got to this particular line, I stopped for a minute and really thought about it.  I believe the artist was talking about getting back to the person you were before the grief, the trial, etc. – getting your smile back, your joy for life, etc.

However, God showed me a different viewpoint for the same lyrics and got me thinking about the past two years of my life.  I’m a very different person than I was back then.  Our family has had a lot of growth experiences in the past two years and honestly… I don’t want to go back to the “me I used to be.”  I used to be full of fear and worry. Negative self-talk consumed me.  Perfectionism ruled my life. I repeatedly replayed a destructive cycle, sometimes multiple times a day.  Worry, then fear, then emotional eating, then guilt for the emotional eating, then negative self-talk, then more worry, then more emotional eating…. I think you get the picture.

I can honestly say I’m a different person now then I was back then.  When negative self-talk enters my thoughts, I usually notice it quickly.  I will aloud change from saying, “What an idiot,” to “It’s okay – I’m learning,” and move on.  When fear creeps in and the enemy tries to get me to focus on circumstances that will probably never happen, I stand up to him and tell him, “In Jesus’ name I don’t have to listen to you.”  I pray and ask God to calm my spirit and please replace the lie I’m believing with His truth.  Sometimes I get an answer right away, sometimes it takes a little while but I have peace in the waiting because I know that God will answer! When I start to emotionally eat, I’m quicker to recognize the signs and am just beginning the process of asking God to show me what emotions I’m feeling that triggered that response.  Sometimes I ask for God to help me stop, sometimes I give in and ask for grace.  The point, though, is that I’m moving in the right direction.

Panic has been replaced by peace. God has healed me of my fear of winter driving – 18 years of panic attacks are now gone and I now experience a “normal” person’s reaction to snowflakes falling.  I have watched God replace my job with two ministries that pay the bills.  I know that when we have trials in our lives, God is allowing them and He has the outcome already taken care of.  They are either for my growth, to bless someone else, or for the greater good of pointing someone to the Father.  Life isn’t about me – it’s about so much more.

I love this song.  It reminded me how grateful I am that I’m not the me I used to be.  I pray I never go back to being her again.

© Cheri Swalwell 2016

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