Have you ever done something you regret almost immediately? Have you ever overreacted? Have you ever felt ashamed about an action, a conversation, a moment in time?
It had been about six weeks into my “being completely honest with God” way of life and well, I had a horrible, no good, very bad, terrible day. I’ve shared that this spring I had let myself get to where I was running on fumes. Have you discovered in your own life that running on fumes isn’t effective? It has the potential to ruin relationships, create costly mistakes at work, and even jeopardize one’s physical, spiritual, and mental health. Well, I was running on fumes.
While I won’t go into details about all that happened, a situation occurred where I was hurt. And at first I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me, “Cheri, you have a choice. You can let these seeds grow and distance you from your relationship with your Heavenly Father, or you can choose forgiveness and stay in right relationship with Him.” That night I chose a right relationship with my Father. I talked to Him, I shared my honest feelings and I let it go.
The next day…not so much. While I was attempting to capture every thought and take it captive as Scripture tells us to, did I happen to mention I was running on fumes? That is not the best time to engage in spiritual warfare. It is much better to be prayed up and ready for battle than limping along barely able to stand.
I was still being honest with God about my feelings, but I was doing more talking and less listening. He wasn’t answering me as quickly as I wanted and I reverted to my old patterns of taking control of the situation because it wasn’t being resolved fast enough for my liking. In my haste, I made things worse. Much worse.
When all was said and done, there were causalities. Forgiveness was given on both sides, but once words are said, they can’t be undone. I was ashamed, I had regret, and instead of realizing it was only a “horrible, no good, very bad, terrible day,” I projected that I was a “horrible, no good, very bad, terrible” person, unworthy of forgiveness.
I reverted back to my old habits. I tried to call my prayer partner to get her wisdom. No answer. I wanted to talk to my husband, but he wasn’t available. So as a last resort, and somewhat shaking in my boots, I prayed. I got gut-honest with God and asked Him to show me what He thought of me. I apologized for my reaction, and I asked Him to tell me what He thought of me.
I was ready. I could take it. I figured this was when the thunderbolts were going to come down and I was going to get both barrels. That God would tell me exactly how much I had disappointed Him, because I was that disappointed in myself.
This was why I was avoiding being honest with Him, because I was afraid of what He would say. Because I was already condemning myself, so why wouldn’t He?
Come back next time and you’ll find out how quickly God answered my heartfelt question, and what He said.
© Cheri Swalwell 2021