Author: cheriswalwell

I Corinthians 12:12,18: “The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body.  So it is with Christ…But in fact God has arranged the parts of the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.”

All of my children are unique.  One is quiet and reserved.  Another is energetic and playful.  The last is a combination of both – shy sometimes but with “eyes that tell a story.”  They all share the traits of kindness, being responsible, thoughtfulness, and just generally being terrific kids.  And I cannot forget their dad.  Strong, level headed, a great sense of humor, compassionate, hardworking, and all around amazing are just a few traits that characterize him. 

Would I want a family where everyone was exactly the same?  Where we all shared the exact same characteristics and personality traits?  No, I would not.  I have a tendency to get bored easily so to have everyone exactly alike would not be very fun. 

I like the diversity that comes with having a bigger family.  My children share traits with both their father and I, but they also have traits that are uniquely theirs.  That is such a blessing. 

I compare our family with the multicolor strands of Christmas lights that are sold at the store.  Each color is uniquely itself; some colors are a blend of two others (green is made up of blue and yellow), but each color combined with the others helps to create the final result.  If one bulb is missing or broken, the entire strand is compromised.  It is only when all the colors are working together, each in their own unique way, that the masterpiece is complete. 

That is the way it is with our family.  If one person is missing or tries to be someone they are not, our picture is broken.  I would not change the shy, reserved, carefree, funny, energetic, playful, quiet, relaxed blend that makes up our own unique family. 

So take time to celebrate and really embrace the wonderful qualities that make up your own family, making sure to tell each other how important he or she is, in his or her own special way, to your family as a whole. 

 

 

Psalm 103:13-14:  “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.”

Last time we talked about the important ways to help your child stretch in order to achieve the independence and maturity required in adulthood.  However, today I would like to focus on the other important, often overlooked aspect of that maturing process:  The emotional side.

As stated before, every child is different.  Some are tough and appear as though nothing fazes them (but we know differently, don’t we?), others have more of a tender heart, while still others need lots of practice in order to learn important concepts.  Not only is it essential to know what type of child you have (or types of children if you have more than one) but it is critical to know what works to motivate them, helping them to achieve their very best. 

It is important that while teaching your children independence and mastery of skills that you do not forget the emotional aspect of love and acceptance, cushioned in between a great sense of humor.  This may come easy for some, but I have to admit I sometimes struggle in this area. 

Before I became a parent, I worked at a residential home for troubled children ages 5 through 11 and then ran a daycare in my home after that.  Because of those experiences, I have a somewhat “assembly line” mentality at times.  That does not mean that I do not treat each child as an individual, but time constraints in those jobs did not always allow for long, personal, one-on-one attention.  I was so used to being efficient while getting everyone fed, changed, and making sure everyone was safe, that I sometimes forgot to stop and actually either teach, encourage, allow for pushing the restart button, or stop to find the humor in the situation.

When we only had two children, it was easier for me to remember those important rules and so I did it more effortlessly.  However, since adding our third child, I find that sometimes the “assembly line” me comes out and rears its’ ugly head, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed with life.  Usually I am convicted of this phenomena when one of my kids inevitably cries, “You just don’t listen to me.”  That is when I have to stop, slow down, and really reevaluate my reactions, determining whether or not I am focused more on the end result or instead focusing on the truly important part of the process – my child’s heart during this particular stretching process. 

Sometimes I think that helping your child to stretch is as much about you as a parent as it is about him or her as a child.  You are being stretched as well.  It is hard to balance figuring out what responsibilities your child should be required to maintain, when you should step in and lend a hand, or if you should go ahead and let them learn from their mistake.

I find personally that I am more attuned to my children’s emotional needs when I have first given it over to God than if I try and wing it, figuring it out on my own.  To those of you who are married, showing a united front to your children with your husband is essential also in helping to keep the focus on the skill that needs to be mastered instead of refocusing on other distractions like which one of you is easier to manipulate. 

So, overall, while stretching into adulthood can be hard, it should not be impossible or regimented.  Keeping a sense of humor, staying focused on your children’s legitimate emotional and physical needs while ignoring the manipulation, and most importantly, cushioning it all with encouragement and love should help make the outcome positive.  And, seriously, just as a baby does not stay in diapers his whole life, eventually whatever task you are working on with your child will be accomplished if neither of you give up.

Proverbs 22:6: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it..” 

Growing up is hard work.  There is no way around it.  Along the way, there are skills that have to be mastered, independence that has to be won, responsibility that has to be learned, and fears that have to be faced.  Even once you have arrived and are considered an adult, more growing up is still necessary as life will always throw at you new challenges that must be conquered in order to continue to improve your quality of life. 

We have a saying in our household:  “It is our job as parents to stretch you, but we won’t let you break.”  So how exactly do you help your children to stretch and grow and mature without completely breaking their spirit or leaving them feeling like failures when it takes longer than they thought it would to master a new level of independence? 

In my opinion, there are four essential ingredients needed to help your child stretch:  Encouragement, compassion, patience, and the restart button. 

Everyone needs encouragement when learning a new skill, reaching for the next level, or even remaining consistent with skills they have already mastered.  Who do you gravitate toward:  Someone who cheers you on and believes in you or someone who is quick to point out your mistakes, showing you how it can be done differently or better?  Even though instruction is a key ingredient to helping stretch your children, teaching without encouragement makes the process long and slow instead of challenging and fun. 

Compassion is essential as well; however, I have to be careful with this one.  If I show too much compassion, then I end up taking back the responsibility of the newly learned skill from my child and that backfires.  Then my children do not feel the sense of accomplishment that they can do it; instead, they are left feeling like I do not believe in them, which is the opposite of how I truly believe.  My husband has mastered the mixture of compassion and encouragement much better than myself.  I am still working on improving in this area. 

Patience and the restart button are also closely linked.  In the process of stretching, there are going to be set backs.  It is inevitable.  Nothing worth obtaining comes easy, to any of us.  Therefore, as parents, we are responsible for keeping our kids on the right track, not allowing them to settle for second best, keeping them focused on the end goal, but at the same time, allowing for mistakes and the need to start over sometimes or even to try a different approach altogether if the first one is not working well.  Each child is going to be different and have a different timetable for the mastery of their personal issues.  The main focus is that everyone keeps moving toward the desired outcome; not how long it takes to get there. 

We have three very different children.  One child wants to be grown up tomorrow.  Another one wants to eventually, but to have a say in the timetable, and the third one is still not sure how beneficial it is to have all that freedom, knowing how much responsibility goes along with it.  Our job as parents is to continue to help our children strive for the goal of independence while surrounding them with encouragement, compassion, and patience.  The most essential ingredient of all, packaged up with the others, is love.  If your children ultimately know deep down that you love them and desire the best for their lives, then even as you help them master their independence, needing to hit the restart button yourself a few times in your approach, the end result will ultimately be one of victory.

“…He has never let you down,  Why start to worry now?  He is still the Lord of all we see, And He is still the loving Father, Watching over you and me…God is in control” (Twila Paris, lyrics to God is in Control)

Tuesday night Michigan got the first real snowstorm of the season.  By comparison to other storms, it was pretty minor except that the snow was heavy and therefore, weighed down the power lines and the trees.  Where we live, our power usually goes out with the slightest breeze.  We are typically one of the first to lose our power and not first priority to get it restored.  I wonder sometimes if our road is even on their map (just kidding about that part).  I went to bed and prayed that night to please spare us losing our electricity.  I knew I had a busy day of working on Wednesday and really wanted to have heat, fresh coffee, and the ability to get my work done.  It was a selfish request, pure and simple, but a request nonetheless.  When I woke up Wednesday morning to heat, lights, and that fresh pot of coffee, I was shocked to hear that 7700 people in our County alone woke up Wednesday morning with no power, but we still had ours.  I praised and thanked God for sparing us, then went about my day. 

At 5:20 p.m., after turning in my work for the end of the month, I was just finishing up the last little bit of work before quitting for the night, and the power went out after all.  I was really irritated.  Why did it go out now, when the storm was over, the sun had been shining all day, and it was getting cold and dark outside?  What would cause it to go out when there were no more strong winds, the snow had stopped, and everyone else was getting theirs back on and starting to function again?

I realized my irritation was not so much that we lost power.  I do not think myself better than anyone else.  I do not think that I should be spared when others should suffer.  We all live on Earth, therefore we are all subject to earthly disasters, trials, and results of sin equally.  My irritation was not that I was better than others; it was plain and simple, I hate being out of control. 

I react the same way in other circumstances:  When I have my weekend planned out with fun activities and my children suddenly get sick so we are now housebound or when I am looking forward to spending the morning with a friend and for some reason plans get cancelled.  Especially when I know that I need to eat less food and exercise more but I resist being “told what to do.”  It all boils down to lack of control. 

However, I need to really change my perspective.  In reality, I am not in control of many things in life.  Yes, there are a few things that I can control:  My emotions, my reactions to life’s disappointments, my health, the amount of exercise I chose to participate in, and what I put in my mouth.  But there are many things that are beyond my control:  The weather, my work, other people’s reactions, whether or not my children choose to obey, and the list can go on. 

I guess, when it boils down to it, do I really want to be in charge of everything?  I have a hard time balancing the things I am in charge of.  To add to that responsibility would be overwhelming to say the least and I am sure I would spend even more time trying to fix my endless mistakes. 

So, instead, I am going to work on changing my perspective.  I know it will not happen overnight, but I am going to try to embrace the things that I am in charge of, making sure to complete them the best way possible, and gratefully leave the rest in God’s hands.  If He is capable of controlling the whole universe (and He is and then some), then I think He knows best when it comes to whether or not our family has electricity, or whether or not my weekend plans have to be changed. 

The only other job description I have is to quickly learn whatever lesson He wants to teach me in whatever way He chooses, remembering that His ways are always the best!  That may sound easy, but for someone as stubborn as myself, that is sometimes the hardest part of the whole process.

 “But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”  2 Chronicles 15:7

Anyone with school-aged children knows that at some point, they will find themselves trying to instill perseverance into their children’s lives.  From finishing their school assignments on time to consistently keeping their rooms clean to maybe even volunteering to clean up the kitchen after you have just cooked a big meal (or maybe that last one is initiative which is another good characteristic trait).  J 

There are many different ways to go about trying to instill this in others; or even, if I am going to be honest, making it stick in my own life.  Yes, there is going to be hard work involved to reach the final goal, but nowhere does perseverance talk about me having it all together.  Perseverance is not about perfection; instead, it is about the ability to keep going, keep trying, keep pushing myself to “take it to the next level” (sound familiar?) to reach my personal best, to finish strong.  

So what does that look like on a daily basis?  And how do I attempt to teach that to my children so that they can internalize this important character trait?

I think perseverance looks something like this: Getting up on a Thursday, after having failed at my latest diet that was started Monday and starting over today instead of waiting for next Monday.  It means even though I failed to exercise four days this week, making sure I finish the week strong by exercising the last three.  It means taking five extra minutes to straighten up the house before going to bed, laying out my clothes the night before, or packing as much of the school lunches ahead of time so that our morning goes better. 

It also means, though, taking a break once in a while.  It means rewarding myself (or someone else) for a job well done.  It means stopping sometimes to evaluate all that has been accomplished and seeing what works well, what needs to be changed, and what can be done more efficiently.  It means not working so hard I am driven to the point of frustration and exhaustion, but not settling for my own sloppy seconds.  It means going to bed every night, confident that I did my personal best today in God’s strength, listening to Him whisper in my ear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  And, if I did not meet my own personal goal, figuring out what I can do better for tomorrow, letting go of the failures of today, confident that I have another chance to try again. 

I challenge you to look at your life and rejoice in how far you have come with a specific goal you have set for yourself.  If you have not set one, I then challenge you to do just that, working toward your personal best. 

Then, maybe we can rejoice with someone else about one of their achievements or better yet, offer some encouragement to someone who is struggling trying to persevere over a hurdle in his life.

It is so easy to focus on what we do not have.  “Keeping up with the Jones’s” may be a joke passed around among friends, but to some it hits harder than others.   Other families cannot even begin to imagine trying to keep up with the Jones’s – they are just trying to make their monthly mortgage, keep food on their table, and clothes on their children’s backs. 

Times are tough, lately, for all of us.  However, especially with the holidays right around the corner, I would like to pose a question to everyone…Are you able to see your blessings?  Everyone has them.  Some have more than others, they are all packaged up differently, but we all have them, if we look close enough. 

To some, it may be a household full of loud, enthusiastic, rambunctious children and not many extra things.  To others, it may be lots of friends, community support, and fun activities to participate in.  Others may have a job they absolutely love and feel blessed to have.  While others still may have wonderful physical health. 

I just want to give you a chance to think for yourself about the many blessings that you personally and/or your family enjoy. 

Once having done that, I then issue a challenge for you as the upcoming holiday season begins.  We all have friends, some struggling more than others this year, that could use a little extra blessing this year.  Challenge yourself to think outside the box.  Is there one specific blessing that you could pass along to someone close to you to give them hope, encouragement, or just to show love, asking nothing in return?  

Be as creative as you can be.  After having done that, if you would like, it would be great to hear in the comment section what you did to bless someone else and what their response was.

ROMANS 12:19 NLT
19 Dear friends, never take revenge.  Leave that to the righteous anger of God.  For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD.

I always thought God put this passage in the Bible to help me learn a principle such as self control or forgiveness or something; like a parent giving a lecture to their child, “Stop teasing your friend or you will be sent to your room” kind of thing.  I always felt disciplined and judged.

However, the more I read this verse, and the more I learn about God, the more I realize that not just this passage, but most of the rules that God wants me to obey serve a purpose to protect me.  He is not just randomly handing out a list of do’s and don’ts. 

Research shows that unresolved anger can build up toxins in a person’s body over time, eventually manifesting itself through actual physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, insomnia, and eventually possibly stroke, heart attack, depression, to name but a few.  Any of these symptoms, if left untreated, can affect a person’s ability to live a happy, healthy lifestyle (taken from The Women’s and Children’s Health Network). 

How many of us have unresolved anger in our lives over family conflicts, work situations, road rage, or an injustice done to a loved one (perceived or real)?  How many of us justify our anger which turns into hatred when left to grow?  I need to remember that when I harbor anger toward a situation, a specific person, or an event in my life that the main person I am hurting is myself. 

Now I am able to see the bigger picture.  Not only does unresolved anger further alienate me from people, situations, and events, but most importantly, it destroys me from the inside out.  When viewed that way, why would anyone choose to destroy themselves?  To choose to forgive is not the same thing as choosing to forget (a topic for another day), but it is obeying God’s Word and that is something that I want to actively pursue.  I love knowing that the rules God puts in the Bible for me to follow have reason behind them.  They are not random but instead serve a purpose.  Even if they didn’t, I trust Him enough to obey, but it sure is nice knowing that I serve a God who loves me so much that he does not want me to destroy myself. 

I am reminded of that simple act of love every time I instill a rule with my children that helps to protect them.

 

“Don’t miss the opportunities brought to light by your mistakes.”  (Dan Miller)

How many of us have a hard time remembering the above phrase when we make a mistake?  Are you quick to beat yourself up when you do something wrong, replaying it over and over in your head long after everyone else has forgotten, until it is a bigger deal than the original event ever was? 

Can you imagine a household where spilled milk, ground in Play-Doh on the living room carpet, or a new hairdo for the dog made with finger paint were considered opportunities instead of mistakes? 

Does calling it an “opportunity” automatically excuse the offender from restitution?  No, but it does release that person from unnecessary guilt, freeing his mind to think about how things can be done differently in the future to prevent the same “opportunity” from repeating itself instead of degrading himself for making a mistake in the first place.  And, sometimes, someone may need to create the same “opportunity” quite a few times before a different result will occur. 

 So, the next time frustration gets the best of me and I fall short of what I intended to accomplish, I am going to try to put into practice the perspective of “opportunity” instead of “mistake.”  If nothing else, maybe I will start to laugh and free myself up to figure out how I can prevent it from happening altogether the next time. 

And, maybe, just maybe, I will then carry that same guiltless experience over to my children the next time they create an “opportunity” of growth for themselves.  The more focus put on the learning experience, the better the outcome for everyone. 

 

 

Mark 14: 32-34 “They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.”  He took Peter, James, and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled.  “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them.  “Stay here and keep watch.”

One of Jesus’ main purposes of coming to Earth was to be a human example, giving us encouragement and hope for our daily lives.  Reading the above passage, it was nice to know that even Jesus called on his dearest friends, the people closest to him in his ministry, for help right before the ultimate sacrifice he would make – dying on the cross for our sins, himself being without sin. 

Notice, though, the example he gave.  He did not go around telling everyone he met that he was upset, he did not try to get sympathy, or even try to have others handle his challenge for him.  No, he separated three of his closest companions from the rest of the disciples, a select group already, and then allowed himself to be vulnerable with a trusted few.  Even with them, though, he never asked them to take away his pain, only to help him keep watch, stay awake with him while he brought his concerns to his Heavenly Father, our real source of comfort.

I think that is a great example to follow.  I know I, for one, hate to ask others for help.  I never want to intrude on their busy lives and I am always afraid of bothering others with my petty concerns, but I am quick to live my life, showing my stressed-out self to anyone who will listen.

However, even though others cannot take my hard times away from me, or even do the work necessary to get through my personal challenges, Jesus’ example shows me that I do not have to be alone.  It is okay to ask for help, it is okay to share my inmost feelings, and it is okay to accept help – in fact, if Jesus did it, then it is more than okay; it is the best way. 

I throw out two challenges:  The next time you are facing a really tough spot, who are two or three dear friends that you can ask to help “keep watch?” 

And the final challenge is this: When you see a friend facing a really hard time in his or her life, are you willing to step up and say to that person:  “Here I am, how can I keep watch for you?”

Today is a day set aside to thank the many people in this Country who sacrifice their time, energy, and family life to allow us the freedoms we enjoy. 

 What would life look like if instead of only thanking people once or twice a year, on special occasions and holidays set aside to remember, we showed an attitude of gratitude everywhere we went? 

 What would the cashier at the grocery store say if you looked her in the eyes and thanked her for the friendly service?  What would the waitress at your favorite restaurant do if you left a 25% tip instead of the standard 10-15%?  What if you poured your co-worker a cup of coffee when you went to refill your own, or paid it forward by buying the person’s meal behind you in a fast food line? 

 What about if you started showing that same consideration to your own family; making your husband’s favorite dessert “just because” or volunteering to be in charge of baths and bedtime so your spouse could have some “me” time?  What about getting home from work early and raking the leaves or cleaning out the garage?  How would your kids react if you got off the couch and played their favorite game with them or volunteered to take over one of their weekly chores for the night? 

 What would the world look like if we all took the time to make life just a little happier for someone else instead of focusing only on our needs, our wants, or our busy schedule? 

 Today, while we celebrate the sacrifices our military, police, firefighters, and their families make for us every day, let us choose what action we are going to actively participate in to continue making this Country a better place, a little bit every day.  Who knows, maybe your attitude of gratitude will rub off on someone else and they will in turn keep the cycle going.