“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’” Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)
I was in a bad mood today. I was angry – angry at God, angry at circumstances, angry at people…just angry. Probably the first time during this second leg of the journey that I was angry…not afraid, worried, or anxious, but angry! And then I was angry at myself for being angry at God and others.
I was angry at God for giving me a glimpse of what it would feel like to work within my gifts and talents only. To have a job that I loved and where I shined. I was smart enough to know that hard days and challenges would still occur, but my stress level would be in the normal range and I would be energized by my work. When my family came home and I started my “real job,” I had the energy and peace to handle whatever rose. I was given that schedule for a month and then began a job that was hard because it felt so out of my league. Yes, it was getting easier (kind of) but it seemed that every time I turned around, God was telling me I was here to learn things and while He continually showed me His power and He helped me through the hard parts, it was still HARD. I actually told God it would’ve been easier if I’d never been given the chance to experience my “dream work” because it made it that much harder to fulfill what He wanted me to do. And I stayed angry while trying to find things to be thankful for…and being the most angry at myself because I knew I was being ungrateful and a brat and spreading my bad around.
Then I discovered our kids accidentally locked our bathroom door with no one inside. It wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the kind of lock it was, one that wasn’t accessible to unlock from the outside…without divine intervention. It was while I was praying for God to help me unlock the lock that I realized something very profound. I’d rather be in a job that was HARD but that I knew God had given me for a reason and was with me every second than for one second be in my dream job without His blessing. I apologized right there on the spot, before the door was even unlocked, and asked God for forgiveness. (After making things right with my attitude, I also asked for help with the lock.)
After a few more minutes, I heard a pop and the door was unlocked. Because I prayed that prayer, does that mean my job automatically is easy now? Nope, just the opposite. It actually got a little harder in the next few hours with more demands. Am I instantly happy and joyful now that I still get to travel this road for an undisclosed period of time? Nope. I’m still struggling in that department too. I have a pit in my stomach because of the unchartered territory I’m traveling but I’m glad that where I’m going, God has gone first and He’s holding my hand. He’s walking me through a path where He has already mapped out the finish line. He’s promised me that He will help me, not do it for me, but help me.
I’m still wrestling with not being jealous of the month I had “living the dream.” But, now, instead of feeling like that was a cruel trick God played on me, tempting me and then taking it away, now I see it as He gave me hope of what the future can look like, a glimpse of how it feels to be living in God’s sweet spot – the one He created for me. It’s just not my time yet. I have more to learn. And to think the biggest lesson came from a locked bathroom door.
© Cheri Swalwell 2015