An Answered Prayer to My “want to”

Have you heard the expression of circling the same mountain over and over? Of having that one Achille’s heel in your life that you just can’t seem to overcome? That thorn in your side?

I have one. I’ve shard about it multiple times throughout the years. Emotional eating. Some seasons I feel like I’ve conquered it. Then stressful situations arise and I realize it was in hibernation, but I had never fully mastered it with God’s strength. I was using my own muscles and they weren’t working.

And some seasons, I want to want to conquer it, to keep fighting, but the want to isn’t there. It simply isn’t.

That’s where I found myself again this past spring. Wanting to want to, but the want to wasn’t there.

So I did what I know best. I cried out to God and said, “I really want to want to, but I don’t want to right now. Would You give me the want to, and then also give me the answer because I’m really tired of this mountain?”

Don’t you love that the God we serve is a God of a million chances? And if you’ve used all million, He’s the God of a million and one.

He heard my sincere heart cry and He answered in the most powerful way. I have always known my emotional eating issues are spiritual. It’s not simply a weight issue. It’s not simply a “move more/eat less” physical issue. There is a spiritual root there and until I deal with that, my mountain will continue to loom larger than it needs to.

After asking God for the millionth time to give me “the want to to want to,” it didn’t take long for Him to answer in a powerful, and very loving, way. He showed me the tools I needed to start getting that mountain to move. And my heart was ready to do it His way instead of halfheartedly doing it my way. Instead of pretending to do it His way. Instead of falling back on my old habits. And the mountain has started to move.

The mountain isn’t gone. It didn’t grow overnight. God could remove it overnight, but He’s choosing instead to give me plenty of time to practice the tools He’s given me. And one of the weapons/tools He’s given is grace. Sweet grace. He knows it’s a process, and when rooting out deeply ingrained beliefs and lies, there will be mistakes and there will be outright disobedience. He created me. He knows how stubborn I can be, even to the point of sabotaging my own success.

And He gives sweet grace to cover those mistakes and even those deliberate acts of disobedience. Part of this journey has been to create a measureable goal. I am about 10 days away from the finish line of Goal #1, and I’m pretty close to reaching the goal. I have made goals in the past (using my own strength and my own tools) and have failed miserably every single time. This time? Very close to hitting my first goal. That in itself speaks volumes. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen any progress.

When I ask for His help, He not only gives me the “want to to want to,” He gives me the right tools, and when I follow those tools His way, results happen. And when I fall back into my old destructive patterns, He’s given me grace so I want to pick myself up again, and keep using the tools to get that mountain to move permanently.

© Cheri Swalwell 2021

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